"Helsinki Summit"

From NATO meeting in Brussels, President Trump left for Helsinki to meet Putin of Russia. No one knows what was discussed between the two men for one and a half hours. But we have the transcript from the translators present. And it goes like this:

Trump	:	Mr Putin, I am delighted to meet you here in Helsinki and especially when relations between our two countries are not at all cordial. Thank you for coming, even if it is a little late, I might add.
Putin	:	Of course, I am keen to meet you, especially now that you are the President. I tell you it was not that easy for us to fix your election. But I with my team of “cyber-scientists” did it. I was late because I had this new doll who did not want me to come. It took a little persuasion for me to be released.
Trump	:	Congrats on your World Cup performance. It was so well organised and no incident throughout. And what a performance by your Russian team.
Putin	:	It was not a problem. With my KGB background, everyone coming was screened. We have files on everyone. You know it may come useful someday in the future. And it was a great excuse to clean-up the cities and get Russians to smile again. You know Russians don’t like to smile, unless they have Vodka.
Trump	:	I am here to discuss three critical things:
		(i)    roll-over of my USD1.0b loan to 2021;
		(ii)  return of those dirty pictures you have about me with a prostitute in Moscow; and
		(iii) New Trump hotels in Russia
Putin	:	Listen, I have no problems with (i) and (iii), but (ii) is non-negotiable. I need it keep for our relationship to be cordial. We welcome more investments into Russia or we could do it your way – we build the hotels and then we pay you royalty for using your name – “Trump” on the hotels. How is that?
Trump	:	I think your idea on the hotels is great! I need USD10 million per year royalty on each hotel you build with my name on it! Is that okay? On (ii), could you just keep it your red file, please, please? Melania must not know of it! On (i), I appreciate your roll-over and rolled-in interest! That’s a great deal.
Putin	:	You have my word as a KGB officer and President of Russia, that your dark secret is safe with me. And your figure of USD10 million for royalty is tough but I accept it for good relations. Can I come over to Washington to confirm all the above?
Trump	:	I am delighted to invite you to the White House. What a pleasure to see you again. Mr President, when we leave this room, you and I will not speak of those three points I told you earlier. We will just talk about nuclear weapons, China, North Korea and easing tensions in Europe.
Putin	:	Of course, we keep private issues private. And we speak in generalities on other world matters for your American press. You just keep saying Russia never interfered in 2016. And I hope to see you soon.
Trump	:	Thanks for this lovely time and I really admire how strong you are! I would like to see you again!

That’s the end of the transcript (We don’t have an official version but that’s the figment of this writer’s imagination).